On New Year’s Day 2012 I was sitting on the beach at sunset in a wet dress with a friend, far from ‘myself’. An anthropology lecturer once said to my class when Big Brother was on television, this idea of ‘not being myself’ is a fallacy. People are always themselves, but they react to different situations differently.
Here is some advice I heard this year:
* meditate and let yourself daydream, when negative emotions come up watch them and let them pass. this way, when they arise in a social situation you won’t be freaked out
* be open
* people are too busy thinking about themselves to worry much about you
* your chains are imagined
* the brain can change itself
* the right thing and the wrong thing are the same thing, what you should or should not be doing, rather than what your instinct wants to do.
This is what I wanted: poise, ease, interest.
I took leave from my job and looked at everything and everyone before I went. The night before I left there was a party at my grandma’s house, for a moment I walked outside and the house was so complete and lit beneath the eucalyptus trees and stars. I had to go inside.
When the sun is setting, I can see I’m a girl with a backpack walking down the street, I don’t have to know what happens next, or what I’ll find. It is easiest to realise this when it is literally true. I read these summer holiday Stories from the Road, and I’m on the road. I could be. There is a quote, ‘everything you need you already have’ from Wayne Dyer, and it suggests resilience, wholeness and completeness, sufficiency, the capacity to cope with life.
Last night more partying, more acquaintances, my friend’s friend invited me to the roof so he could have a cigarette, cold wind, a rock covers band English language songs. Later we went to an ‘underground’ bar that people go to when the official bars close.
Today, we went to a small town for lunch, the square was full of people throwing up inflatable toys like fireworks.
I spoke to my brother and it is nearly New Year’s at home, they will have desserts and only family will stay until the new year. He and my cousins have been playing a lot of Cluedo and I’m glad.
(Slim Dusty’s song Looking forward looking back is here.)